I'm a fan of Prairie Home Companion, as every self-respecting former Laestadian otter be. (You have only so many radio hours left, use them wisely). Last weekend was the annual joke show, which inspired me to host a little levity here on extoots. Share your favorites, straight up or with a twist.
A Laestadian dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the Laestadian says, "I married the only woman I ever kissed and we had 13 children and 60 grandchildren, all still in the church."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I went to June meetings every year, repented every Sunday, never drank a drop of whiskey and never watched TV."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I never turned on the radio in my car, even when I was alone, and have never used the internets."
"Fantastic, that's good for two points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
A guy dies and goes to St. Peter, who takes him on a tour of hell. He sees cheap hotels, chain restaurants, strip malls, and smog. Not so bad, he thinks. Then off in the distance he sees a lake of fire with souls writhing in pain and torment.
What's that? he asks St. Peter.
Oh, that's for the Laestadians, he responds. They insisted on it.
There's a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the first one waiting, a Catholic, to go to Room 22, but to tiptoe past Room 13. He tells the second, a Presbyterian, to go to Room 39, but to tiptoe past Room 13. He tells the third, a Baptist, to go to Room 58 but to tiptoe past Room 13. The fourth person asks St. Peter "Excuse me, but why are you telling everyone to tiptoe past Room 13?
"Oh, that's where the Laestadians are," says St. Peter. "They think they're the only ones here."
How many Laestadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3. One to screw it in, one to determine if it was done as taught, and one to rebuke.
Some Fundamental Truths of Religion.
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as The Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize The Pope as their leader.
4. Laestadians do not recognize each other in theaters, bars, pool halls or stadiums.
Laestadian preachers used to put hard candies in their mouths during the reading. When the candies melted away, they knew the preaching had gone on long enough and it was time for the movement. That was the old days. Now they use buttons.